


There's a Reason we can Remember

by QuiteMagicalBane



Category: Shadowhunters (TV), The Bane Chronicles - Sarah Rees Brennan & Cassandra Clare & Maureen Johnson, The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: Aka Mags mama, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst, Flashbacks, I love the dot scenes but i basically replaced it with this.. SORRY DOT!, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, MAGNUS AND CAT FRIENDSHIP, Memories, Sad, post 2x12, reference to The Bane Chronicles, set during 2x13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-07
Updated: 2017-07-07
Packaged: 2018-11-28 22:55:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,967
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11427978
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QuiteMagicalBane/pseuds/QuiteMagicalBane
Summary: Magnus can't take the flashbacks caused by the Agony rune any longer. He goes to Catarina for help(The Bane Chronicles is referenced but it is easily read without TBC)This is basically set during the scenes with Dot, just my reimagining!





	There's a Reason we can Remember

Magnus jumped awake, sweat covered his body in a sticky wet way, his breaths coming out labored. It had been a long while, years perhaps, since he had dreamed of his mother, lying on a cot in their old barn, cold, paler than ever, surrounded by her own blood from a deep wound, and dead. All because of how Magnus had been brought into this world. Before he had found the keris that had ended his Mother’s life in Camille’s India house he had hardly allowed himself to think of her, repressing his memories for his own happiness sake. He had long ago learned that thinking of his mother, of why she had taken her own life would only cause himself pain and self-loathing, two of the few things he could never find enjoyment in.  
The use of the Agony rune when he was trapped within Valentine Morgenstern’s body a few days before had forced him to confront those horrid memories once again. He had never felt that amount of pain, emotional or physical, in his entire life, which was saying something considering just how long he had lived. The rune had been named Agony for a reason, Magnus supposed.

Once Magnus’ breathing had calmed to his normal pace and he became aware of his surroundings he frowned at the empty space beside him in his bed. Alec had been staying the night since the events of the body-swap, holding on to him for dear life. Magnus could see he felt guilty for not realizing the truth sooner before the Agony rune had been activated. Magnus had told him during one of the nights spent doing nothing more than sharing soft kisses, and protective cuddles that he did not blame him, that he wasn’t sure he himself would have believed him if the roles had been reversed. But one thing Magnus had learned quite quickly in his relationship with Alexander was that Alec could not handle guilt, nor would he stop blaming himself, no matter how much people told him it wasn’t his fault.   
Magnus slipped out of under his expensive comforter into the cool air. It felt nice as the cold air hit his flaming(not literally, last time that had happened involved a certain fire prone Branwell many years ago), sweaty body, though the sweat had begun to dry leaving a stickier feeling than before. He scowled at the feeling and retreated to his bathroom. He quickly made work of his silk pajamas, throwing them carelessly into the hamper beside his bathroom counter. He proceeded to enter his shower, hissing at the pain in his back as the first droplet of hot water hit his bare skin. Instead of turning the cold knob slightly to cool the water he welcomed the pain. The pain had helped clear his head for the moment, Magnus, of course, knew using pain to make himself feel less horrible was a bad, unhealthy thing to do, as he had told Alec before. But Magnus supposed most people didn’t get stuck in a mass-murders body by his uncle (technically) and tortured with memories of his childhood trauma, nor did they get prepared for their almost-execution by their boyfriend, he felt he deserved a pass(and perhaps a bottle or two of whiskey.)  
He closed his eyes and let the heat of the water run through him, waking him up and bringing him to a less groggy state. He wished he had plans for the day; work was always his go-to way of distracting himself. But for once his calendar was completely clear for the day. He doubted Alec would be over today, with Inquisitor Herondale still at the Institute he seemed nearly as high-strung as he did when Maryse was in town. Perhaps he could call Catarina or Tessa, it had been while since Cat and he had gotten to chat besides the quick interaction when he had abruptly dropped Madzie off at her place. And Tessa had been busy working at the Spiral Labyrinth so she hadn’t been able to get to her phone or respond to many fire messages.  
Magnus hadn’t realized how long he had stood in the shower, completely still lost in thoughts and memories, until the water started coming down in cold droplets suddenly, making him yelp in surprise. He quickly turned the water off while a shiver wracked through his body and grabbed the towel from the bar beside the shower. He made quick work of drying his hair and body before tying the towel tightly around his waist and trotted back to his bedroom to find something to wear.   
He had been tempted to stick his favorite sweat pants and the shirt Alec had left by accident one of the past few days on. Though that sounded immensely comfortable he did not want to sit around sulking in sweats all day. If you’re going to sulk, might as well do it fashionably. He dug through his large closet to the back where his old or never even removed the tag clothes ended up. He wanted something he hadn’t worn, and preferably something with a lot of sequins. He moved all kinds of shirts aside, from a simple one with the words ‘ONE MILLION DOLLARS’ written across it in shining sequins to a flashy dress shirt that had nearly no space not covered with something shining making it closely resemble a disco ball that he had bought just to have it. Finally, his hand landed on a corduroy dress shirt that was varying shades of blue, had a scaley collar, and silver buttons with a simple design in them, he took it from the rack and laid it over his left forearm while beginning the search for a jacket. Before long he found a black jacket with a soft flowery design complimented by sequins causing it to shine in the light. He quickly dressed, pairing his top and jacket with a pair of black dress pants, black ankle boots, a necklace he believed he had gotten over a century ago, and many, many rings. He stood in front of the full-body mirror in the corner of his room admiring his work. It was probably one of the best outfits he had put together in weeks.   
He quickly applied his usual thick black eyeliner and added a splash of color by adding a bit of red eyeshadow on his eyelid. It had been quite some time since he had played around with eyeshadows or changed his makeup routine, it felt nice to change something, even if it wasn’t major.  
Magnus traveled to the kitchen to brew himself a cup of coffee, he could have snapped it from one of the local coffee shops, but there was something about the simplicity of making it himself that he enjoyed. When the coffee was done he poured himself some in a blue mug with the words ‘Better Than Gandalf’ across the front, adding sugar and a splash of creamer. He exited his kitchen, heading to sit in his living room to drink his coffee, make sure he didn’t have any work to do, and perhaps catch up on some television. Before he could do any of this his eyes caught light reflected off silver in the corner of the room, stopping dead in his tracks he stared at the keris he had placed beside his book case. He should have moved it directly after he got back in his body, but he had been too shaken up to have thought of it then. The keris broke Magnus’ resolve and allowed memories to flood into his head.   
_A demon-spawn. You’re a monster. Unbearable sin. Red barn. Just before dusk, said to be going for a nap before dinner. Her dress covered in blood, keris in her abdomen.She would flinch at the sight of you. You drove her to madness. You drove her to her own death. Mama, Mama NO!_ _  
_ Magnus’ was snapped out of his surge of memories when a sudden knock came at the door, causing him to jump, dropping his cup in the process. “Dammit,” Magnus muttered. He shook his head once as if to clear his head, though it didn’t do great, he felt as if he had just been hit on the head causing him to be dazed and out of it. Another knock came at the door, this time a little louder, but not exactly forceful. He plastered on his best smile, snapped his fingers, instantly cleaning his floor, and headed to open the door. He looked out the peephole, shocked to see that Alec was standing there. He took a deep breath and opened the door. Magnus smiled and said his name in his flirtiest voice.   
Alexander raised his eyebrows and looked briefly stunned by Magnus’ glittering appearance, “wow. You look very..” Magnus cut him off, “I was bored,” he said, “needed a change” reaching to his ear to adjust the spider web cuff. Alec's eyebrows had pinched together and he looked rather confused, taken aback still by Magnus’ flamboyant appearance. After a moment he stepped into the apartment, smiling as he closed the door. Magnus reached up to cup his cheek as he placed a soft kiss on Alec’s mouth. Alec stopped the kiss, placing a palm on Magnus’ chest. “Hey,” he said with a smile, “everything okay?” He asked, though still smiling Magnus could see the concern in his eyes.   
Magnus knew he should tell Alec the truth, it was himself who had told Alec not to shut him out when things got crazy, but he had never been one to be open to discussing his past, especially his family life. The few people knowing about it being Ragnor and Catarina, or just Catarina now he thought sadly.  
“Yeah,” he said. “I’ve been worried sick. With all these attacks, you shouldn’t be out on your own,” he added, turning to the conversation to Alec opposed to himself. It was true, he had been worried sick ever since he had heard of the attacks, it wasn’t the whole truth but it was the truth. “Well, I’m not one my own. I’m here with you,” Alec said, gesturing with his hand as he often did. “High Warlock of Brooklyn,” He added, smiling and tapping on his chest. The small gesture filled Magnus’ earlier uneasy stomach with butterflies, a smile pulled at the corners of his mouth, bringing with it a light blush on his cheeks. Alec’s smile widened as he saw the smile on Magnus’ face, he had always loved making him smile or laugh.   
The smile dropped from Alec’s face as he tapped one more time before walking deeper into the apartment, back facing Magnus. Magnus stood in the same spot for a moment, his face changing with confusion as Alec mentioned a body found in Williamsburg and asked if he had heard about it.   
“No,” He told Alec, “but Warlocks don’t report their misdeeds to me. If they did, my phone would never stop ringing,” Magnus added, trying to keep his usual light attitude despite the hollow feeling in his stomach caused by the keris and Alec’s clear and sudden anxiety over which Magnus was not sure.  Magnus could see Alec’s shoulders tense suddenly before he turned and abruptly said, “Magnus, I need your hair,” his hand out and moving as he talked. Magnus tilted his head, any remnants of his earlier smile were gone, his stomach felt like it was hollowing out even more than before. “It’s just a strand for a DNA test to clear you,” Alec added.   
“I didn’t realize there was anything I needed to be cleared of,” Magnus said. “Do you not trust my word?” He asked he was sure there was hurt on his face. “Of course I trust you,” Alec rushed out, “I know you had nothing to do with this,” He added. “It’s just, this is…” He stuttered out even quicker than before, “It’s Clave orders.” He said clearly, closing his eyes.  
“I see,” Magnus said with a sad smile.”So, again you’re blindly following out orders,” Alec looked down, it was clear that he knew this wasn't necessary or right. “What happened to following your gut?” Magnus asked, his eyebrows pinching down.   
“Magnus,” Alec looked at him straight in the face now. “Shadowhunters are being slaughtered,” he said. “I’m just asking for a strand of hair. Let’s not be over dramatic.” He said. Magnus felt himself close off completely at that statement, erasing emotion from his face and voice. “Well,” he said. “I wouldn't be overdramatic,” he reached up, plucking a hair from the back of his head, purposefully over dramatizing the process of plucking it and slowly placing it in the tiny paper bag in Alec’s hand.   
Alec smiled, thanked him and moved to hug him. It was the first time Magnus could remember that his smile hadn’t warmed Magnus’, heart. All he felt was an annoyance at The Clave, sadness and anger towards his boyfriend, and emptiness from his memories. “Get out,” he said, his voice sounded harsh to his own ears. Alec’s face dropped, his eyes turning sad, “Magnus…” but Magnus cut him off with a snap of his fingers and a gesture to open the door just behind him. Alec, let out a sigh and walked out, closing the door behind him.   
Magnus was overcome with anger, taking a deep breath in, his expression hard, before lashing out at a candle on a table near him, throwing it against the opposite wall with his magic, he huffed and clenched his jaw before another memory, one he hadn’t come back to him until now hit him.  
  
Only ten years old. _Can’t breathe. Water; a creek. Drowning. A ‘father’ holding down his son. “You are no son of mine.” Uncontrollable anger and fear. Flame enveloping a body. The smell of burning skin. Ashes spreading from with the wind beside the creek. Magnus Bane, only ten years old, has killed his own ‘father’._ _  
___  
Magnus didn't know when he had sunk to the floor, but he had. There were tears staining his cheeks and he was out of breath. As he came back into reality he steadied his breath and hauled himself up, legs shakey under him as he walked to his living room mini-bar. He could care less that it was hardly noon, he needed a drink. He made himself a Whiskey rocks, his heart-ache drink, Dot would call it. He sat in his comfiest chair and reminisced on what had gotten him to this point. He thought back to how only a few months ago how he had feared he was losing himself. He thought how if he hadn’t agreed to take Clary’s memories how none of this would have happened. But in turn, he would have never have met Alec or the rest of them, if it hadn’t been for the removal of her memories he would have still been in a slump, trying to find happiness in parties and friends. Suddenly an idea hit him. He knew it was terribly stupid, but he also knew that if it was done right, it would work.  
He set the glass down and quickly went to work, finding the memory spell in one of his many books, preparing anything he could need for it to work correctly, and lastly, hit the call button. One ring, two rings, three  
“Magnus?” came a confused and concerned voice on the other end of the line. Magnus let out a sigh of relief, he hadn’t been sure he would get an answer, “Magnus, if you’re calling to drop another random child on me without warning I swear--” Magnus cut her off before he could finish her statement. “No, but Cat, I need you. Like really need you,”  He said. He hated how much desperation he could hear in his own voice, but after all, it was only Catarina.

“Magnus, you’re scaring me. What happened?” She rushed out. “It’s a long story,” he said. “Can you be here in ten minutes?” He asked, jaw clenching while waiting for an answer.   
“I can make it in five,” Catarina said, abruptly hanging up. She rarely gave proper goodbyes on the phone. Magnus dropped the wards around his loft, allowing for Catarina to portal in. And returned to his comfortable chair to take another swig of his drink. Surely enough five minutes later there is a sudden breeze in his loft, then a sucking noise before a tunnel of wind formed, a blue skinned girl coming out of the center of it. “Magnus Bane. I cannot believe you,” She said. “You dropped a frightened girl off at my house, rushed off because you needed to ‘Make sure Alexander was okay.’ only to not so much as call me in the time since!” She scolded, “Who does that?”  
“I’m sorry, Cat,” Magnus said genuinely. He had meant to check in on her and Madzie, but he hadn’t had the time, having to deal with Azazel, being in a different body, and having to deal with the trauma that caused.  Catarina must have believed him rather easily or she had known him long enough to know when he’s sad by the tone of his voice or that any other time Magnus would have said something sarcastic because her face softened instantly. “Mags, what is it?” She asked, coming closer. Voice lacking any of the anger or frustration that it had just a few seconds earlier. And just like that, Magnus went into the story. He told her about Azazel being unleashed. About the summoning. About the body swap. About the Agony Rune. About the memories. Everything. By the end Catarina was left speechless, her mouth was slightly agape in shock. “Mags, I--” she started, but closed her mouth, Magnus supposed there isn’t much you can say to all that.   
“I want you to take it away,” is all Magnus said vaguely. “Magnus,” She started. “We have talked about this. No matter how depressed you are I will not sleep with you to make you feel better!” she said, crossing her arms over her chest. Magnus gaped at her, “What!?” He said, shocked. “No, no! That is not what I meant! I have a boyfriend for God’s sake Catarina!” Magnus exclaimed. Catarina let out what Magnus assumed to be a relieved sigh. “Okay, then what do you want me to do?” she inquired.   
Magnus bit his lip before saying “I want you to perform a memory spell on me,” he said, “just take away that this happened, that these memories came back, please.” He asked, pleading in his voice. “No,” Catarina said. “Absolutely not.” She said, her voice definite. Magnus stood from his chair so she was no longer looking down at him. “Why?” he asked, he considered saying more but couldn’t find the words.  
“Because, Magnus, it goes against my morals!” She said “You’ve convinced me to before and I swore I’d never--” Magnus cut her off, “Wait, what?!” He questioned. Catarina made a face that clearly read that she had said something she hadn’t meant to. She stood completely still in front of him. “No, you know what, obviously I don’t want to know,” He said, “don’t tell me.”   
Catarina stepped closer to Magnus, putting her hands on his shoulders in a comforting gesture.”Magnus, we need our memories.” She said, “us especially, if we don’t have our memories, the things that make us human, our immortality will eat away at us.” Her hand was moving up and down his upper arm soothingly. Her being a healer definitely showed in the way she comforts others. “You can get through this, Magnus. If there's anything I know about you, it’s that you will never let any hardship ruin the party that is your life.” She said with a small reassuring smile, Magnus could feel tears behind his eyes and urged them back into his head. “You have that group of Nephilim idiots. You have Alec, who you must introduce me to soon might I add, and you will always have me.” She said, “we will help you get through it, but you need to let us.”  
Magnus saw the surety in her eyes and couldn’t help a small smile, a tear rolling down his cheek. He huffed out a little laugh, “That’s your way of saying I should tell Alec, Isn’t it?” Catarina gave a little nod, “He’s going to catch on to you sooner or later, Mags,” She said. Magnus bit the inside of his cheek and also nodded “Okay, I’ll tell him.” He said. Catarina didn’t say anything, just gave a wide smile before lifting herself on her tiptoes to give him a proper hug. “love you, Mag” She whispered next to his ear from where her head rested on his shoulder. “Love you too, Cat,” Magnus said as he pulled away from the hug, “Thank you.” Catarina smiled up at him.  
Not long after Catarina left Magnus found his way to his balcony, leaning against the stone wall, staring out into the vast city as the sun set. He thought about what he would tell Alec, or more how he would tell him. For someone of his age you would expect him to be good at discussing his past, but in actuality, it was one of the things he loathed talking about the most. He always worried people would think of him differently. He knew it was ridiculous to think Alec would think of him differently, but he couldn’t help the thoughts from consuming him.   
Magnus wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there, long enough for the sun to have fully set and bring the night into darkness. He felt his wards being passed, but he recognized immediately as he felt it that it was Alec. He began anxiously scratching one of his left fingers with the nail of one of the right as he heard Alec slowly approach him. “Magnus, You were right,” He said as he approached.  
Magnus separated his hand and turned his body toward Alec, “You never have to prove yourself to me.” Alec said as he pulled Magnus toward him by his waist. Magnus could see his worry along with his love in Alec’s hazel eyes. “I love you,” Alec said, Magnus felt butterflies in his stomach flutter, he doubted he would ever be used to Alec saying that he loved him. Magnus reached up and cupped Alec’s cheek, lightly stroking his thumb over his cheekbone. “I love you, too.” He said as he leaned in for a soft, slow kiss. After the day Magnus had just had he was glad at least part of it had been resolved.   
Magnus lost the cold feeling in his stomach as their kiss continued. Kissing Alec was never boring, no matter how slow. The way Alec kissed was incomparable to anyone else, it was as if you could feel every ounce of love and care in him pouring through the kiss into yourself.  
Alec was the first to pull away. He looked at Magnus with so much adoration that it brought back Magnus’ previous butterflies. Though after a second Alec’s eyes narrowed in concern as Magnus felt another tear slip from his eye. He hadn’t realized that he had tears in his eyes until then. “What’ wrong?” Alec asked, voice hushed and soothing. He reached his hand up and swept away the tear from Magnus’ cheek.   
“Nothing... I just,” Magnus started reflexively before cutting himself off with a deep breath “Can I talk to you about something?” Magnus asked, not sure of a better way to bring it up. Alec’s previous worry seemed to worsen but still, he nodded, “What is it?”   
“My past.”   

**Author's Note:**

> I'm Sorry!!!! i didn't add the Malec convo but i'll write it if you want it!!! ^_^
> 
> Kudos and Comments are appreciated! <3


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